Mission improbable

I was scouting possibilities for the fall turkey hunting season. For reasons known only to the Department of Natural Resources, the northern Michigan county that our cottage is in will not have a turkey season this fall. This will force me to move one county west, which is no great hardship because the Pigeon River area is very beautiful. Beautiful, but somewhat unfamiliar to me.

So I made my way over to Otsego County to sniff around for good turkey habitat. I took a number of obscure roads to get to the general area that looked promising on a topo map. The roads kept getting less and less civilized as I moved farther away from the "real" roads. Soon I turned north on the quaintly named "Tin Shanty Bridge Road." Either the Tin Shanty Bridge is long gone or it's too obscure to notice, but I never saw it. What I did see was a road that kept diminishing until it was little more than a sandy two-track. I could feel my little two-wheel-drive Pontiac Vibe getting nervous.

The road twisted and turned through some beautiful country, with higher glacial moraine hills to the east filled with mature hardwoods (Acorns! Mmmm turkey food!) and cedar swamp and pine marsh to the west. If I was a chubby tom turkey I'd hang around here, I thought.

I occasionally had to decide whether to take a left fork or an equally unpromising right fork. I apparently kept guessing correctly because I didn't come to a dead end. No road signs, of course.

I realized at some point that I better stop and take some notes, or I would never remember any of this in November. I pulled over, as much as I could, off the road and stopped. I felt a little foolish pulling over, because not only had I not seen another vehicle the whole time, I hadn't even seen the TRACK of another vehicle (we'd just had a couple days of rain and the sand was a blank canvas at this point).

I had been scribbling for a minute or two when I became aware of a vehicle approaching. Hmmm, I guess there IS somebody else in these deep woods, I thought.

A silver late model minivan slowly passed me and then stopped slightly past my vehicle. A well-dressed woman in a skirt, blouse and nice shoes (!!!) approached my window. As I rolled it down, I was struck by how much she looked like the fresh-faced, wholesome movie star of the 1950s, June Allyson.

JA: Are you lost?
Me: No, are you?
JA: We just thought you might need some help.
Me: Nope, but thank you for stopping.
JA: Would you like to know how to have a happier marriage?
Me: Huh?
JA: A happier marriage. This brochure (whipped out from her secret brochure holster) will help you and your wife live the way the Lord intended. By following these simple biblical principles the two of you can get more out of life and be assured of a happy hereafter, too.
Me: I ain't married.
JA: Oh ... oh ... well.
Long pause.
JA: (Again dipping into the brochure holster) Here's something about how to deal with loss of a loved one. In a biblical way.
Me: Thanks.
Long pause.
Me: Say, have you seen any turkeys around here?

Man, those Jehovah's Witnesses really get around.

The conversation kind of fizzled out at that point and she wished me well and got back in her vehicle to continue searching the woods for converts. She apparently hasn't seen the movie "Deliverance."

I must say, though, that the chat ended more quickly and on a more friendly note than most I've had with religious proselytizers. Another life lesson learned. When feeling cornered, inquire about turkeys.